


My only medicine

by Criscpi



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 10:21:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29062749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Criscpi/pseuds/Criscpi
Summary: Robbe saw a boy with a green sweatshirt coming towards him.He doesn't see his face but his eyes are definitely green because they shine in the shadows even though he perceives that they are sad.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 34
Kudos: 35





	1. The boy of the park

Are we ready?"  
"Yes, Aaron the skates have already been taken to their destination."  
"Then let's get moving, I want to smoke and do some evolution."  
"Smoking and evolution don't belong in the same sentence, especially if you're the one saying it, man.”

"Screw it Jens, let's go to the skate park.”  
"Robbe are you moving? Are you making up with Noor?"

"Mind your own fucking business, okay? We broke up, you know."

"And now, my dear, explain how it could happen that you dumped a girl like that."

5 days earlier:  
"Noor."  
"Robbe come on. We are more friends than a couple, spit it out."  
"It's not that easy"  
"It's never easy when you want to break up with your girlfriend..."  
"But..."  
"Robbe. Come on. You're not going to break me for sure. We had a good time. Of course I wanted more from you because you know how I feel about you and I still don't understand how you get along with those troglodyte broerrs."  
Robbe cries. He cries because he knows that Noor is the only one. In everything.   
Noor wipes his eyes   
"Stop running that little head of yours honey...come on."  
She kisses him to encourage him, because she loves him, because she knows Robbe and if not teased properly he will never let out what he feels.

"Noor... you know I love you right?"  
"I love you too Robbe"  
"Yeah but I can't love you like a man...because...I'm not attracted to girls..."

Noor kisses his forehead. She knew. But he was the one who had to say it.  
"Say it Robbe. Say it will make you feel better."  
Robbe looks into her eyes. It was now or never:  
"Noor. I am. Gay."

Noor looks at him : “why all the fear? I'm Noor, the open-minded girl who loves you and loved Britt before you and.... I'm bisexual and you know it."  
"It wasn't a problem with you accepting it but with me doing it."  
"I know baby...promise me that when you  
you fall in love with someone you won't let those misogynistic friends of yours get to you."  
"I won't. I promise...in fact if I fall in love I'll come to you and you'll help me okay?"  
"Okay..."  
"Do you want me to go?"  
“Why?”  
"Because you just told me you were gay..."  
Robbe takes her by her hips, sits her on him and caresses her breasts with his nose:  
"I want to be with you one last time. If it  
thing doesn't make you sick."  
"You're the best straight sex I've ever had Robbe; I'm certainly not going to be the one to pull me back tonight. I'm going to make you scream."  
"You always do love."  
"Yes I do. “  
"Come here my friend..."

"So Robbe, will you tell us how it ended?"  
"We're more friends than lovers, although she...wow...I'm going to miss her, but in the end we figured it was better to look around and then one day who knows..."

They grab their skates and jump headfirst off the pipes.  
Robbe always stops thinking when he starts doing the evolutions.   
A lot of people seem to look at him lately because he feels like he's being watched a lot and he doesn't mind at all. 

"Hey kiddo you want a smoke?"  
"No Moyo thanks now I'm going. I have my first exam tomorrow and I still have a lot of studying to do."  
"Ok, let's finish this one and we're all going ok?"

They were leaving when Aaron realized he forgot his backpack; Robbe accompanied him and when Aron was looking for his backpack, Robbe saw a boy with a green sweatshirt coming towards him.   
He doesn't see his face but his eyes are definitely green because they shine in the shadows even though he perceives that they are sad.  
The boy in the sweatshirt drops some papers. He struggles to reach down to pick them up.  
They go back to looking at each other as long as they can, then he turns around. Aaron walks back to Robbe looking triumphant with a backpack over his head. When they return to the others, Robbe notices that there is a paper left on the ground. He picks it up and starts running.   
"Gotta run guys bye!"

Robbe goes fast. He sees the boy's distant, tiny silhouette.   
"Heyiiii your papeeeeeeeeer".  
The other turns around and stays still.  
Robbe catches up to him. He puts his hands on his knees to catch his breath, then stands up and hands him the paper.  
"You didn't have to risk breaking your neck for a drawing."  
"I didn't know if it was important."  
The other laughs but holds his ribs.   
"Are you okay?"  
"It's okay...I have to go now."  
Then the hood comes down and Robbe sees.   
He sees a beautiful boy.  
Beautiful but covered in bruises.The ppp


	2. You are not giving up, are you?

"Please, I have to go."  
Sander couldn't do it. He couldn't say anything at all.  
"Does it hurt?"  
Silence. Why wasn't this boy like the others? Why?   
"Do you want some ice?"  
Sander gives him a bitter smile.   
"The ice phase is over now.  
Look I really have to go."

"What's your name?"  
Those big dark eyes made even brighter by the tears he didn't want him to see....  
He wished he could have taken them with him:  
"Sander, my name is Sander."  
"Robbe."

Sander smiles shyly at him and retraces his steps.  
Robbe for the first time doesn't reason about what he is doing:  
"Sander!"  
He reaches for him.   
"I just wanted to tell you that if you need a stupid kid to talk to...I'm always at the park."

That look again.   
"Robbe. You're not a kid, much less stupid. Thanks, I'll remember that..."  
Robbe lets him go this time though....

Robbe's phone rings:   
"Hey dude Are you home? Are we studying together?"  
"I'll be home in ten minutes see you there."

"Jens that's enough, not a single word gets into my brain anymore...we haven't taken our eyes off this book in two hours!"  
"Hey what do you say, let's make room in the head with FIFA?"  
"Fortnite?"  
"No come on Robbe...I wanted to tear you up..."

"Put on whatever you want, you want a beer?"  
"You sure know how to spoil me man."

Robbe comes back from the kitchen.   
He sits down and they start playing   
"Robbe... I'm still your best friend, right?"

"What a fucking question Jens... Of course you are."  
"Then one day you'll tell me why it ended with Noor?"

Robbe looks at him for a few seconds then returns his gaze to the screen: 

" you knew right away that there was something more true?"  
"I'm your best friend..."

Robbe puts down the controller and then turns to Jens.  
"It's complicated man, I'm not ready yet..."  
"But Noor knows..."  
"Don't be jealous of her, when you know you'll understand. Jens. I have to fix a few things first and then I'll finally spill the beans."

"Okay. I want you to know that whatever it is I'll be on your side."  
"Thanks man."  
He puts a hand on his shoulder   
"And now if you don't mind I would continue to kick your ass in Fortnite."  
"Asshole"  
"Loser."

It all seems so simple with Jens. Maybe the truth will come out of his mouth much sooner than Robbe imagined."

The next morning after the exam is over, the boys find themselves in the schoolyard.  
"So are we ready for the park?"  
"Of course."

Moyo approaches and hugs them  
"Guys I have an idea, what if we organize a weekend at the beach at the end of the exams?"

"Great idea!Let's think about who to invite and how many.... “

"Yes, but first let's focus on the exams or we'll only see the sea in postcards...."

Back on his skateboard, free again, happy again.  
Robbe loved those moments of pure adrenaline.

When he stops to make room for the others, he sees Sander sitting on a bench and drawing.   
Their eyes meet and Robbe greets him and approaches him. 

Jens notices and approaches Robbe.  
"Who is it?"  
"I don't know yet, I'm going to him for a moment.I'm coming."  
He whispers to Jens. 

Jens watches his friend walking towards an unknown boy. He sees him for sure, as he never had been with anyone not in his circle.  
He needed to talk to Noor. 

"Here, I made this for you to thank you for yesterday."  
"Hi sander "  
"Hi Robbe"

"Thanks, your drawing is so good! How are you?"  
"You're not giving up, are you?"  
"I don't intend to, Sander."  
Sander rolls his eyes but smiles.   
"I'm better Robbe just...it's complicated."  
"I'm a regular in the land of complications...."

They look at each other without saying anything but wanting to say everything.  
It is Sander who breaks the silence  
"There's more on that paper, look it up when you're alone...I have to go."  
His voice breaks as he tries to stand up.   
"Sander can I help you?"

Sander thinks about it for a few seconds:   
"Give me a hand."  
"Are you sure you don't have..."  
"Sure Robbe, I know what it feels like to have your ribs broken.”

Again that liquid look beautiful but full of tears  
"Robbe, please, don't cry."  
Robbe lowers his gaze and then fixes his eyes in Sander's.  
"No one deserves this,whatever it was..."

"Hey, it's okay now, see, I'm alive!  
Go back to them we'll have time later."

Robbe doesn't understand but nods and goes back to his friends.

"New pusher Robbe?"  
"No Aaron, he's a guy I helped yesterday retrieve his drawings."  
"You guys seemed really into it."  
"Shall we finish this? Come on let's go to my place to study bitches and be good that Noor and Britt are coming too."

As they walk, Jens grabs Robbe's arm, forcing him to slow down.  
"Robbe...you care about that right?"  
"About what?"  
"About that guy from earlier."  
He hadn't thought about it yet but maybe what Jens meant was not referring to.... but just as a friend.  
"Why do you ask?"  
"Ijzermans I've been your friend since we took off the diaper, I know your movements by heart..."  
Jens deserves an explanation. Maybe  
Not everything about him but....  
"Sander, his name is Sander. I told the truth before, I helped him yesterday because he couldn't lower himself to pick up the papers."  
"You did that before too...what's wrong with him is he sick?"  
"Worse Jens. He's bruised all over. He...I don't know what happened but from what I understand it's not the first time."  
"Red Cross nurse instinct?"  
"Jens I didn't stop to think about it I did it all without thinking. For the first time in my life."  
"Ok Robbe keep on not thinking about it too much, now let's catch up with the others and Robbe?"  
"Yes?"  
"Thanks. I was beginning to think you were going to cut me off."  
"I would never do that."

"These exams are going to kill me. Slowly. I know."  
"Come on Robbe you'll be fine you're great."  
Robbe says nothing.   
"Tomorrow they'll break my soul."  
“Is it because I stay?"  
"Yeah. Tell me: does Britt have something to do with this decision?"  
"Maybe...I mean have you seen her?"  
"Noor..."  
“I know I was the one who didn't want to get serious and then you came along and I got  
I had a huge crush on you and then...seeing her again still hurts a little actually and I needed the tiniest bit of revenge. Don't ask me why, she didn't do anything wrong...maybe I'll stir something up again..."

"What about me honey what am I supposed to tell those three tomorrow?"  
"Whatever you want...what do I know that I got on my  
Kneeling and that..."

Robbe pulls her to him and without thinking about it kisses her like they were still together.

"No. No one will ever and I mean ever know what you and I have done or will do in our intimacy. It's our thing, I would never soil it by telling people about it. The two of us are special together Noor. Whatever we are in the future this will not change and I will always carry with me a beautiful memory of our time together."

Noor kisses him.full of lips

"Do you see why you will be the only male I will ever love Robbe? You make people feel special. You make me feel special.  
I'll see you tomorrow at school ok?"

"Ok Noor, have a good night."

Robbe waits for his mother to return from work lying on his bed.  
These exams are grueling but   
he can finally look at Sander's drawing.   
He was very good indeed.   
The paper belonged to the art academy: he imagined that Sander was an artist, it transpired from his every gesture.

As he looks at his image in pencil on that sheet, he notices that underneath his skateboard is a series of numbers: it looks like... a phone number!

Robbe memorizes the number and stands looking at it for a while.   
Then he tries to send a message:  
"Sander?"  
Someone was texting  
"Yes?"  
"This is Robbe..."  
"Hi Robbe... listen, can I memorize your number?"  
"Sure! Everything okay?"  
"Pretty much. Can we talk later, like around 10:30?"  
"Sure, I'll try to stay awake. If I don't answer just know that I fell asleep."

"No problem."

"See you later then."  
"Later."

Sweaty palms, racing heart...and a very strong urge to laugh.   
Robbe didn't have time to wonder why, because his mother had just returned and was calling him in for dinner.


	3. The power of the truth

"How are the exams going honey?"  
"Good mom,really good.  
I'm dead tired but in a month this will all be a memory. And your work?"  
"Good I have to say good, seems like the wheel is turning in the right direction Robbe"  
"Great!"  
"Are you ready for college? Have you even thought about it?"  
"You know mom... these days I was reflecting that maybe I have figured out what I want to be when I grow up.  
I'm going to give myself a little more time but I'm almost there with my final decision."

"How are the broerrs?"  
"Great, I'm their conscience these days and they're fine with it because after exams are over they want to go on a beach vacation all together.  
Do you think I'll be able to participate?"  
"Of course!   
You've earned it no? And...Noor? Did you talk to her?"  
"Yes. She was as sweet as ever. Maybe..."   
"Maybe the fear is just yours? Of course it is, but it's understandable. At least now you have two girls to stand up for you and support you, and what women!!!"  
"Mom you know... I think Jens deserves the truth too. I mean... we've been friends forever..."  
"Robbe. Yes, he deserves it. But do it when you're ready."

"I guess I am."

He arrives at the room like ghost . It's ten minutes until Sander's call.   
Robbe sets his alarm in nine minutes and is asleep in less than a second.  
When he answers, his voice is hoarse

"Did I wake you up?"  
"No, I set my alarm..."  
"Robbe that wasn't necessary..."  
"It was. For me it was.  
So what are you doing Sander? Any plans for the art school?"  
"You're very observant I see...no, I've got most of those finished.  
I am on the roof of my building now."  
"Sander. Doing what, should I be worried?"  
"But no fool, I always come up here when he falls asleep...it makes me feel free."  
"What do you see?"  
"Why are you so, Robbe?"  
"Did I say something wrong?"  
"No indeed...you never go beyond what I tell you. I never ask how, who, why...the usual things everyone asks me."

Robbe thinks about it.

"I suppose because I don't like nosy people. When I'm ready I say things but if I'm not ready they all have to wait. Maybe I reassure them or mention something but if they want to be around me they have to respect my time...so I do that with others...with you."

"Thank you, I appreciate that. I feel like telling you my story but...how about for a while we just talk about Sander and Robbe and what goes with them?"

"Totally agree.however Sander.... you have my number. If you ever need anything that is legal call me, ok?   
I live with my mom and she trusts me so I have enough freedom of movement."

"Robbe. You don't even know me. What if I'm on the bad side?"

"But I tested with you! When I said if you wanted to talk with a stupid kid and stuff...if you were bad you would have agreed with me. Instead you kindly went the way you are good.  
So test one passed...and then, people's eyes hardly lie and yours aren't bad Sander. "Sander?”

Robbe feels him pull up with his nose

"Thank you Robbe. You are... a friend."

"You better believe it Sander.   
I have to sleep now or tomorrow the exam..."

"Yes , yes sorry... can we do it again?"

"As many times as you want.  
Good night Sander."  
"Goodnight Robbe."

Sander looks up at the sky. The moon is veiled tonight but Sander talks to her anyway:   
"Tell me I'm not wrong again..."

"Jens, can we talk before we go to the  
Park?"  
"Sure."  
They walk the first ten minutes in silence.  
Then Robbe finds a small wall and sits on it.   
Jens follows him.

"I really loved Noor. Really she... she is amazing. She was able to make our relationship so easy and natural and then being friends made so many things easier.   
But..."  
Robbe looks at Jens  
"Please Jens listen to me and don't be grossed out by me okay?"  
Jens nods seriously  
"But I noticed that when we were together physically...I...didn't feel...I mean, I felt that I didn't feel the right feelings.   
I thought it was inexperience, but then I thought about it and.... remember that night at the Milan party? A really drunk guy kissed me. And the feelings I was looking for came out.  
I don't even know who the guy was but...he made me realize that.... I'm ... gay."

...

"Please Jens don't shut up..."  
Jens looks at him, his eyes sad...or disappointed?  
"And you thought you were going to gross me out? Robbe...what did I do to make you think that?"  
Robbe is relieved but offers him a bitter smile

"Do I have to remind you of all the jokes you make about gay people?”

Jens remains silent

"I'm sorry Robbe. We do...we used to do it without thinking...only now I realize that it's not true that jokes don't hurt...and not just you...sorry."

"It's okay Jens, really....  
Oh god how light I feel!!!"  
"So Noor knows?"  
"Even before I figured it out but she was too into us and then she wanted me to figure it out for myself..."

"But then that Sander..."

"No I don't... I've known him for forty-eight hours Jens!!!  
he...he's a charming guy but I just want to get him out of the shit."

"Robbe I told you and I will tell you again: I will always support you ok?  
If you need help with Sander just ask. Don't be a hero."

"Alright. Jens. Thank you. It means a lot to me to have told you that."  
They hug each other. The thread that binds them is firm and tight again.

It is evening. Robbe waits for the call. It doesn't come. In the last 20 days he has never skip one evening....  
Robbe begins to worry.  
What should he do now?

He falls asleep but his sleep is disturbed.  
It's five o'clock and the phone starts  
Ringing.   
"Sander!"  
"Robbe..."  
"Where are you?"  
"At the park...."  
"Are you okay?"  
"No"  
"I'll pick you up. Stay there."

"Robbe?"  
"Mom, a friend of mine is in a bit of trouble...can he stay with us for a while?"  
"What trouble, Robbe?"  
"Mom, do you trust me?"  
"Yes, of course."  
"Please trust me this time too."

He finds him. He has his head on his knees and his hands on his head.   
"Sander..."  
Robbe slumps down in front of him. The city is waking wearily that Saturday morning  
"He wanted...he wanted to break my fingers...I ran away...”  
With tears in his eyes Robbe tries to crack a smile that would try to lift him a little.  
"Are you hungry? My mom's making us breakfast, come on."  
"I'm ruining your weekend," Sander says as he hugs Robbe.

"You're really not the type to ruin anything at all."  
"Come on. Do you feel any pain?"  
"No no he didn't touch me."  
"Okay,come on."


	4. Sander’s story

"There you guys are!  
Are you guys hungry? Come on Sander leave your backpacks there come get some breakfast...."  
Sander had suddenly stiffened. He looked like a beautiful wax statue  
Robbe gives him a little elbow:   
"Go easy I swear she won't bite.....  
Here we are... “

They ate in silence, a peaceful, serene silence; Sander after time felt... light despite the night he had just spent.

"Are you sleepy? Do you want to get some rest?"  
"Yes but then I would like to tell you my story..."  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yes...."

Sander follows Robbe into his room: they lay his things to the side and he throws himself on the bed, falling asleep in no time.   
Robbe comes down to help his mother. And to give his new roommate some space.

"Do you like him?”  
Moms. How the hell do they do that?  
"No, I mean yes, but the point right now is that I'd like to help him...I’ll handle the rest later...he looks so sad..."  
"Robbe be careful, these things are sensitive when it comes to violence...domestic..."  
"I know. Let's just say I'll be his supporter.... no heroic gestures. God I feel like I'm talking to Jens.... Jens! Fuck."  
"Robbe the words"  
"Yeah sorry mom, but I have to call Jens."

"Hey"  
"Hey you, where are you?"  
"Will you move from the group, Jens, please?  
"Yes... tell me"  
"Sander is at my place. He ran away from something or someone who wanted to hurt him. He's sleeping now. What can I tell the others?"  
"I'll take care of it...can I come by later?"  
"Sure."

Robbe goes back to his room and crouches down next to Sander. His features finally relaxed, his mouth closed and his breathing regular... with that bleached hair he looks like an overgrown angel.... Robbe pulls a tuft from his forehead but then... he can't stop and keeps playing with it  
Until Sander moves.  
He realizes he's gone too far.  
"Sorry," he whispers.   
"No, go ahead... It's been forever since anyone has cuddled me..."  
Robbe is silent. He should draw a definite line until things are clear, until Sander solves his problems, until Robbe understands what he wants...but his fingers keep indulging that blond angel.

When he finally wakes up they start chatting about more and less...Sander shows some sketches to Robbe and the younger one tells how he started to love skateboarding.  
"Robbe, how about we go out in the backyard for a bit?"  
"Doing what?"  
"It's time to tell you all about it."  
They sit in two creaky chairs in the small backyard of Robbe's house.  
Sander keeps his gaze on his hands.  
Robbe looks at him curiously and apprehensively:

"I met my boyfriend two years ago at the academy: he was a senior.  
Handsome, very talented, always available... I immediately liked him and we often talked about art in our free time... we got together a few months later and moved in together about a year ago.  
I felt like I was living a fairy tale: everything was going well, we spoke the same language, we were happy: then Lucas accepted several assignments and commissions from individuals.  
He started to be just rude and I thought it was the accumulated stress....   
I found some pills in the bathroom and he said he needed them to stay awake and work on his projects.   
The projects ended, but not his use of those pills.  
At some point one night he started to raise his hands.   
I'm not stupid and I'm not that fragile, I pushed him away and we fought and yelled at each other and argued loudly almost every day.  
About three months ago he started grabbing me and beating me off guard leaving me no time to defend myself.   
In the morning he would cry in my arms apologizing to me. Telling me that he was going to change, that he was going to see a therapist. That he would stop taking that crap that turned him into a violent lunatic.  
But things didn't get better.   
For weeks I wait that he would fall asleep to go back in the house and I would stay on the rooftop terrace waiting.   
Last night he took one of his stands and smacked me on the back and then tried to smash my fingers. Screaming that no one would be better than him.I defended myself and locked him in the bathroom.   
Then I took a few things and put them in this backpack along with my precious tools for the academy.  
The funny thing is, I draw, I paint...I use pictures all the time...he creates designs on canvas but then molds them...he's a sculptor, we would never bother each other in the art world....  
I thought I loved him enough to get through this but Robbe...the point is, I realized it wasn't even love. For either of us.   
The passion burned out in no time leaving very little...and look where we are now..."  
"Sander...I'm sorry...what are you going to do? You can stay here whenever you want, you know, but I say with him.... “

"I've thought about this a lot Robbe...if I stay he'll take me back to the underworld again...I'm not the one who has to help him...I can only show him the way. For the last time.But it will be hard...because Luc has been the whole world to me until recently. I may not be able to cut it off completely."

The doorbell rings. Jens has arrived to rescue him. Robbe is so confused about everything that he needs Jens' concreteness to help him. 

"This is Jens, my best friend. This is Sander... Would you like a drink?"  
"Let's go inside for a beer, it's freezing here..."  
"But you've been at the skatepark until now!!!"  
"Loser”  
"Moron"

Sander looks at them: would he ever have someone to make him smile like that?   
Then he dwells on Robbe:  
His smile was something very similar to a work of art...among the most precious. 

"So Sander, you're Robbe's new friend..."

"Yes... He's very sweet...and tough."  
"He is, he's special."  
"Are you two...just friends or...are you together?"  
"No no, we're friends... Robbe has recently made peace with himself."  
"What do you mean sorry?"  
"It's not for me to tell you. But he'll tell you, he trusts you, I can feel it."

"What are you two saying?"  
Robbe arrives with beers in his hands.  
"How cool are you."  
"Jen you dumb."  
Sander laughs and then suddenly becomes serious  
"Tomorrow morning I'd like to go get my stuff"  
Silence  
"Do you want me to accompany you?"  
"Only if you want to, Robbe..."  
"Of course I do."  
"Do you want a ride?"  
"Really Jens?"  
"Robbe's friends are my friends."

Sander nods and then watches as an outside but amused spectator as the other two talk about skateboards and a certain Aaron who apparently fell ruinously today.   
He also wants that serenity back that he lost too long ago.   
Tomorrow he will have to be strong. More than he has been in the last few months.


	5. We made it.

Sander is awake in Robbe's bed.   
That night they had argued about who should sleep there.  
"Come on Robbe, I've already barged into your house like this, I can't take your bed too."  
But there was no way. Robbe was adamant.  
"My house my rules. You sleep on the bed."  
So he was in a very comfortable bed with Robbe asleep on a camping mat a few feet away from him.   
Sander gets up - Robbe is light he can see that, so he picks him up in his arms to carry him to the bed.  
"We'll both fit don't you think?"  
He whispers to him.   
As he lays him down beside him, he hears Robbe mumble something along the lines of:  
"be careful..."

He looks at him smiling softly.  
"I will... but tell me: how do I deserve  
someone like you near me?"  
He doesn't get an answer but Robbe snuggles into his chest and Sander at that point knows that one way or another he will make it tomorrow.  
And maybe in time he'll be happy too.

In the morning Robbe wakes up in his bed. Sander isn't there, but as soon as he calls him,he comes in, wide awake:  
"Good morning, I made breakfast for everyone, shall we wait for you downstairs?"  
"Sander, what am I doing in bed?"  
"Long story, now get ready we're hungry!"

His mother, Sander and Jens are waiting for him; only Noor was missing and his family would be complete.

"So guys are you ready?" Say Jens

Sander intones, but despite saying a firm no, he grabs his jacket and darts out the door.

"It's going to be a very long Sunday."  
"Yes Jens, I think so too..."

When they arrive, Sander waits a few minutes, as if to make everything as unemotional as possible.  
"Robbe are you coming up with me or do you want to wait here?"  
"I'll go up with you if you want."  
"Okay."  
"I'll wait here; Robbe you keep your cell phone ready in case you need it."

Sander walks in and Lucas throws his arms around his neck   
"You came back to me love!"  
Robbe feels something rise in his throat.  
Sander remains rigid, as if expecting such behavior.  
"Hi Lucas, I actually came to pick up my last few things and give you the last bit of rent."

"Why do you want to leave me love huh?I'll change, I'll...I'll call whoever you want, I'll get help...don't leave me please I...we.."

Sander feels the tears coming but has to hold on "don't think about the good memories. They're long gone" he repeated to himself in his head for hours.

"Lucas listen to me.... how long have we been apart? In everything I mean...I don't think there is an us...maybe in the beginning but then?"  
"You can't have forgotten..."  
"I didn't forget anything Luc, nothing. I had a good time with you the first year but this last one? Were we ever a couple?"  
"I was busy with work..."  
Sander approaches him  
"If we had loved each other you would have noticed that you were neglecting me and I would have pointed it out to you...our story drifted long ago...and then of course your violence didn't help in having the will to save us."

"I can fix that okay?"  
His voice was starting to get a little too nervous. Robbe begins to clutch the phone tightly as he helps Sander gather the last of his things 

"Luc you know you've been saying that for a year right? Every single day for a whole year I have heard those words from you. I can't save you Luc, I can't...you need to get some real help and when you're clean we can be friends again."

"Friends? Friends? Is it this kid's fault? What about him that you got a crush on?   
Huh?"

"Lucas, no. The problem is you and me. And your love of violence."  
"But it's the drugs..."  
"No, it's you taking it. I'm sorry."

Lucas seems to have given up but then suddenly he takes Sander's face and kisses him. Passionately with vigor . Robbe doesn't see Sander's expression, but he hears sounds of breaking glass inside him.   
He takes some of Sander's things and gets out.   
He gets out and slips into the car.  
"Robbe are you okay?"

"He... Lucas kissed him. And I couldn't take it I ... it made me feel ... I feel like crying and throwing up at the same time."

"Robbe, look at me ... are you in love with him?"

"Yeah, no, I don't know okay?"

At that moment Sander gets into the car. He doesn't notice Robbe's state but  
he manages to say, "It's over. I can't believe we made it."

Robbe grabs the car handle and with a trembling hand and broken voice says, "I have to walk, I'll meet you at my place okay?" 

"Robbe..."

"Please."

Sander remains motionless.  
"Jens, what happened?"

Jens turns to the blond.  
"I keep thinking it's Robbe who's telling you everything...all you need to know is that something he saw in that apartment...shook him up.  
Talk to him Sabder, but be gentle...he...needs you to be gentle.  
I can't tell you more than that."  
Now let's go, Robbe is fast but with the car we will surely get there before him.

Robbe runs. And he cries and feels like an idiot. What is happening? What is he supposed to do?  
He picks up his cell phone  
"Noor. It happened. He... I... “   
Noor arrives at Robbe's house but opens jens to her.

"Where is he?"  
"Who?"  
"Robbe"  
"He's coming on foot."  
"You know right?"  
"Yes"  
"What..."  
"Noor, this is Sander, Robbe's friend.  
Sander, this is Noor Robbe's Ex and now his Guardian Angel after he..."  
"He doesn't know?"  
"Not yet."

Sander spaced out:   
"You guys want to explain to me what's going on?"

"What's going on is that I didn't tell you I'm gay."  
"Robbe honey."  
Noor wipes his face and hugs him.

"Guys thanks...can I talk to Sander alone? I'll call you guys later maybe have you come back for pizza, my mom will be out until tomorrow night"

When they are left alone Robbe looks at Sander and the tears roll down.

"I was together with Noor for six months. Six wonderful,exciting,erotic months...we were the most envied couple in school.  
But I felt that something was wrong. I didn't feel it. I still love her a lot but... something was missing.  
One night at a party a drunk guy mistook me for his boyfriend and kissed me.   
I didn't push him away and realized what was wrong.   
Noor understood and now here we are as we are you saw it too....  
It all happened so fast and then you came   
and you .... attached me to you even though I didn't know it.  
I just wanted to help you believe me, but today when Lucas kissed you I...I felt so bad and so guilty at the same time...I'm...sorry...but I told you I was living in Chaoslandia too.”

"Robbe, come here.  
It's okay. Nothing's going to happen. I...it's not my best time, I'm confused and angry and still confused...there are things I need to fix but you...if you want to for the time being you can be there for me as a friend and I'll do the same for you okay?  
Don't think too much. We will sort it out all this chaos.”

Robbe nods and he lets the gorgeous blondie embrace him.   
"I want it with hot oil."  
"What?"  
"The pizza. Hot oil."

Finally, Sander sees Robbe's wonderful smile again and it looks like for tonight a few bits of both of them have been placed just right.


	6. 48 terrible Hours

Since that evening Robbe and Sander have always slept together and  
nothing compromising had happened, ever.  
But Sander loved seeing that little wren sleeping next to him, hearing him whisper incomprehensible things; the best part, however, was when, without realizing it, Robbe would take refuge in his arms and only then Sander could fall asleep.

Sander started hanging out with Robbe's group of friends: they were nice.... Moyo and Aaron had a hard time accepting that he had had a boyfriend but they hadn't been unpleasant, maybe more so with Robbe: when he said that just before running on his skateboard.   
That day, after simply saying, a phrase like, "you know guys I'm gay" he had rushed off to do his evolutions.

"Even though he's gay he's still Robbe don't you think?"  
They had taken the excuse of going to get a drink at the kiosk and Sander hadn't liked it, but he had listened to Jens' words:  
"Let's give them time, it's not easy for them."

Robbe was returning with his usual satisfied face after doing one of the things he loved the most, when a rock hits his head.  
Robbe falls and in front of him a completely out of it Lucas starts kicking him with his iron-toed military boots.  
Jens blocks him, and Sander slumps down to check on and support the unconscious Robbe.   
It had all happened in a short time: the police, the ambulance....  
Sander was petrified of all the feelings running through his head.  
"Jens go with Robbe. I have something to say and do."

Jens didn't resist, too distressed for Robbe. 

Sander approached Lucas, disfigured by drugs, by anger, by madness.   
Sander looked at him like a statue.  
"You're a nobody who seeks acclaim with violence. You're a fucking junkie who hides in his addiction instead of growing up. You make me sick.  
I will do everything in my power to get you away from here, away from this city, away from these people.   
You don't deserve anything. Not from me, not from Robbe. Not even from the rest of our friends. You are nothing."

Sander signs his statement right on the spot and then runs to the hospital.  
He arrives just in time to  
hear that Robbe was in a coma.   
An induced coma due to the injuries he sustained and in order to control any trauma.

Sander slumps to the floor; Moyo and Aaron try to support and console him.  
"It's my fault, it's all my fault..."

It took Noor's strength to wake him up:  
"What the fuck are you saying  
Sander? I have never seen my Robbe so happy since you have been in his life. It's not your fault if that guy is completely out of his mind okay? Sander do you understand?"

"Yes..."

Jens returns from the room:  
"I'm taking his mom home in a little.... We need to get organized guys, we can't all stay here."

"I'll stay tonight.”  
Okay Sander... Noor can you stay with his mom? I don't think it's good for her to be alone...We're going home guys, let's rest, I'll tell the teachers we won't be there  
For the end-of-year ceremony. I will try to explain the situation. All agree?"

They nodded in silence. 

Sander walked over to Robbe's bed and took his barely warm hand and tried through his tears to imagine being in their bed and sleeping in each other's arms.   
"I'm deeply sorry little Robbe“  
They are the only words he can utter. 

After a sleepless night he starts sleeping when it's already dawn and dreams of Robbe's smile and a sea of blood: he wakes up when a hand rests on his shoulder: it was Jens.   
"Sander go, have a coffee. Freshen up a bit.... then come back later. You can't stay here day and night..."  
"Yes I can..."  
"Sander, please...I’ll stay here and you can come back with Robbe's mom ok? Go... “

His voice was soft and gentle  
"Why don't you hate me?am I the only one that i hate myself?”  
"Because you are the only one who has taken responsibility for what happened.  
Did you hear Noor last night?  
We all think like that... try to think the same way yourself.  
Come on, we'll see  
Robbe awake ready to go to the skate park."

Sander hugs him and closes the door to Robbe's room behind him.

When he enters the house he finds Robbe's mom in the kitchen intent on keeping busy with cooking things no one would touch.  
"Sander... would you like something to eat?”  
“I'm not hungry thanks, I'll just have some coffee.   
I think it's time for me to leave."

Robbe's mom looks at him:  
"No.Sander look at me. Don't run away. Don't. Let's deal with this together first okay? You're part of the family you know...no one wants you to leave."

"I didn't think I'd get so attached to someone in such a short time..."  
"I know. Robbe is like that. Those who love him do so deeply. Sander, I know there will come a time that you will have to find your own way, but what do you think if we take one step at a time? When this is all settled we'll talk about it like a family, okay?"  
"Yes. You're right..."  
"Good honey, now let's go see our boy."

Sander stays in the waiting room with Noor, while Robbe's mother stays with him and  
talks to the doctors.

When she comes out she looks relieved.  
"Guys, the latest tests have confirmed that there is no brain damage or serious damage in general: he may be coming back to us shortly..."  
She cries and lets Sander hug her.

"I'm going to call Jens to tell him."  
"Thank you Noor"

"Go to him" she whispers to him. 

Sander walks into the room. Too cold, too empty. Robbe's voice and his smile were missing to make it livable.

"Robbe...I miss you. I still feel so guilty... everyone says it's not my fault but how can it not be? It was Lucas.   
And I brought Lucas to you.   
I don't even know what I'm still doing here...I should leave...but..."

"If you leave then yes I will die. Don't try that I want to live and go Skateboarding again...”  
"Robbe...you're back!"  
"Easy Sander it hurts me all over...let's do a hug some other time?"  
Sander then brushed his nose with his, "I'm going to go call your mom...get ready to tell her the same thing..."  
Robbe smiled. He talked and smiled. Finally those devastating 48 hours were over.


	7. Misunderstandings

"I'm home finally."  
"Yes, you're home honey; now you're going to take your painkillers and get into bed okay?"

"Mom...can I stay on the couch?   
And maybe take a decent shower first?"  
"But Robbe I have to go to work..."

Robbe turns to the other side where his blonde bodyguard was watching the whole scene  
"Sander... would you mind being my nurse  
In case I try to hurt myself in the shower?"

His mother gives him a gentle pat on the head:  
"Hey kiddo stop teasing me, I was about to lose my only son!"  
"Come on mom I was kidding...let's lighten things up, I'm really fine now, bruised but I'm fine!  
Now go I know you and Sander will be texting every 20 minutes to get everything under control."

"Unpleasant, but I love you a lot Robbe."  
"Me too mom, see you in the morning."

Sander had moved into the kitchen.  
"Are you hungry?"  
"Actually I really want to wash up before I do anything else;would you help me get to the bathroom?"

When he left him in the bathroom he said   
"Robbe I'll be right outside if you need me ok?"

"Um... Sander...I think I already need...I don't.... I can't do anything. Everything hurts too much. Sorry..."

Getting into the bathroom and helping was no problem. With all he had done for him and had had to endure it was the least.   
The question was how to hold back the amazement of feeling butterflies in her stomach as he gently peeled that boy off.

"Sander, are you okay?"

"Yes...yes Robbe.  
Now that you're naked I'll get the water and washing supplies ready for you."  
Robbe managed even as   
Sander could hear some moaning.  
When he comes out Sander helps him dry off and get dressed. Sander freezes. It wasn't about what Robbe causes him, but seeing the boy's sternum completely covered in bruises   
he couldn't have described the weight on his heart at that moment.  
He rests his hand on the blackest part, and he can't control the crying that springs directly from his gut.   
He wraps his arms around Robbe and barely stutters out a continuous "I'm sorry."

Sander is warm. Warm and welcoming.  
Robbe responds to the embrace by resting his arms at his sides.

"Sander... hey... alright I'm right here look at me..."

"I've only brought you annoyances since we've known each other; tell me one good thing that's happened since you've known me."

Robbe brings his mouth closer to Sander's ear.  
"You. You are the good thing that has happened to me. Sander, believe me. Now, tuck in my sweatshirt and let's go downstairs and eat on the couch..."

They eat pasta sitting next to each other. Sander finishes setting up the kitchen then looks at Robbe who is struggling to keep his eyes open.

"Let's go brush our teeth and finish watching the movie in bed shall we?

Robbe nods.

He can't see anything, as soon as he touches the familiar mattress he feels himself being taken by the arms of Morpheus.

Sander pauses the movie, checks the apartment listings in the area again, and then lies on his side ready to welcome the boy who is gently changing his life for the better.

The morning comes quickly: Sander gets up and to feel useful goes downstairs to prepare breakfast.

"Sander!"  
Sander runs quickly to Robbe and as soon as he enters he is hitting by a flying pillow. Robbe is sitting on the bed with the computer on his lap.  
"What the fuck are those ads? Do you want to go away? Really?"

"Robbe... “

"Fuck you!"

Sander is about to turn and walk away, but then he stops.   
He's endured worse, and he'll endure an embittered Robbe. He sits down on the bed.

"Robbe, right now I'm just figuring out how the market works, what I could afford...I can't stay here forever..."

"Why not? "Robbe's voice is broken. 

"Because it's not fair...because I have to get by on my own...but I'm looking for an apartment nearby, so I can stay as close to you as possible....  
Can you explain to me why this reaction?"

Robbe looks at him   
"My... my father did this: the night before we had a classic family night.  
In the morning he took his things and never came back.   
He ran away without saying anything, without fighting for his family... and then with the time we found out that he had been planning to run away for months."

"Now it explains a lot, even your mother's talk the past few days...."

Sander removes the hands covering Robbe's face and rests his forehead on his:   
"Robbe...I'm not leaving. I'm going to move, but you've all been pretty clear that all of f you want me around.   
Is that better now?"

"Sorry."

"I am Sorry too.I didn't warn you but...well, the truth is, at first after your accident I really wanted to leave. I felt too guilty... then Noor, Jens, your mother... they made me realize that even if it was a necessity I could wait and maybe find something around....   
At that point I realized that what I needed was not an escape but just a change of location."

"Evidently I have a problem with abandonment; it brings out the worst in me."  
Says Robbe sketching a smile

"Nice temper Ijzermans no doubt about it....  
What do you want to do now?"  
"We stay here until my mother arrives?"

"Deal."

"When is this trip to the beach?"  
"We found availability in two weekends."  
"Sander keep an eye on them."  
"I'll do what I can."

"Hey! I'd like to point out to the jury that Mr. Driesen is only two years older than me..."  
"True, but I'm much better behaved than all of you put together!"

"Jerk!"  
All three of them burst out laughing. The kind of real laughter that fills the house with life.  
The sound of a car horn makes them stop.

"Jens is here, shall we go to the park?"

"Let's go..."

"So skatepark guys?"  
"Yes."  
"Robbe everything ok?"  
"Yeah, I'm just tired of not being able to use my skateboard."

"Patience young man, patience, you won't lose your fans!"

They arrive and everybody was there waiting for them

"Robbe!"  
"Noor!"  
Noor gives Robbe a kiss on the lips. Although Sander knows, he feels some annoyance in the way the two still act.

"Sander?"

"Sorry,I was overthinking."

Noor stays in Robbe's arms all afternoon: together they seem perfect.   
Sander can't resist, he has to go home. 

"I'm off, see you guys!"

"So soon?"

"I'll give you guys some space."

When Robbe returns that evening, Sander pretends to have fallen asleep on the  
couch.  
He doesn't go up to Robbe's that night. 

"You didn't go up last night..."  
they drink tea in silence.   
"I fell asleep on the couch. I slept there..."

"I... “  
"what?"  
"I missed you..."  
"Yeah? Are you sure? I thought you had your fill of hugs with Noor yesterday."

"Sander we're friends..."  
"Come on Robbe, no you're not friends. You're everything but not friends. Make peace with your brains, you two are not friends."

Sander gets up

"Where are you going?"  
"Don't worry I'm going for some air."

Robbe is confused.  
He tries to watch TV but he can't.   
So he picks up the phone

"Jens? Can you come over?"

Jens arrives after a while:   
"So what happened this time?"

"Since he left the park yesterday, Sander has been strange."

"What do you mean?"

"He...he slept on the couch and then he said that Noor and I are not just friends...I  
I don't understand."

"Aaahhhhhhhhh... you two are going to drive me crazy. It's jealous Robbe, it’s so clear!Listen: what did you feel when Crazy Lucas kissed him?  
What do you think he felt seeing you with Noor so affectionate?"

"Oh."

"Yes, oh. You and Samder are nothing and everything at the same time.  
you two need to talk. Seriously. We're going to the beach soon, so can we enjoy three days without any drama???"  
"Sorry. You're right..."

"I have some juicy news too."  
"What?"  
"Jana"  
"Again?"  
"Always. “  
"Romantic. Will she come to the sea?"  
I'll ask her. I missed her so much.”  
“Oh God we'll be all in pairs? More or less...”  
"Moyo and Noor no..."

"Noor I know what to do with her, but Moyo? Jens, that face doesn't look good..”

"Robbe I have a diabolical plan."

Sander returned late that night. He didn't want to get into a fight with Robbe.... hell what a mess he had in his head.   
The lights were off everywhere except the TV in Robbe's mother's room.

He wants to sleep on the couch again but he really doesn't know what to do.  
At that moment Robbe turns on the light. He offers him his hand. Sander takes it without a second thought.

"Come."  
In the room, towered on the desk, the pc is on with a video of a Fireplace.

“What the f...”  
"We have ten hours of fireplace:  
the bar say 9.56 hours, do you think it will be enough?"

Sander laughs, "I think so."  
"Sit down. Are you tired?"  
"I should be asking you that."  
"I've been quiet at home so no, I'm not tired..."  
"Neither am I, I went to the park and stayed there. Listen Robbe..."

"No wait tonight it's my turn.  
Sander I'm sorry. Noor and I are sometimes  
disgustingly clingy. We were like this before and we continue when we were together and we didn't stop after. We...if I didn't know I was gay and accepted it, I probably wouldn't have broken up with her. We were pretty compatible after all...."  
"Robbe..."  
"Sorry that's not the point. The point Sander is that I didn't realize I hurt you.   
I...I'll say it again because you may need to.  
I like you Sander. A lot. And I know we don't know each other very well and that you want to take things slow...I don't want to put push you but isn't Noor the person I love to have in my bed, I... love the warmth you give off, and when you get up I always go to your side to feel you still there... I like the smell of your clothes, I love that they have mixed with mine.... I like to think of you as mine even though you're not..."

Sander takes one of Robbe's hands and  
He intertwines it with his own.

"Robbe, the same goes for me. Every single word.  
Our lives have mixed and formed a beautiful color. Unique. Perfect.  
You're right, I want to take it slow, because I need us both to be two whole people who want to be together."

"You want it to be love and not addiction?"

"Exactly."

"That's fine. I can wait. And work on becoming whole for you and me."  
When they slip under the  
blankets, Sander decides that anyway  
a small step can be taken: 

"Good night Sander."  
Sander gets up: the light from the fake fireplace illuminates Robbe's perfect face:  
Sander leaves a gentle kiss on Robbe's lips that vibrate, like a string just pinched.

"Goodnight Robbe."


	8. Before everything started

"Sander placed his lips on mine..."  
Robbe couldn't tell if it was a dream, or if that wonderful feeling was really a memory from the night before.

He turns around and watches Sander's blond forelock move across his forehead. He tries as always to move it , but as always manages to wake him up.  
"Good morning sorry...I just can't be delicate."

Sander takes a few seconds to reconnect all the synapses ... then he looks at Robbe and smiles at him.  
"Good morning...you're delicate, it's me who's a light sleeper..."

"Well, I'm sorry anyway...like the rest of the mornings I've woken you up...we're on vacation after all, you can sleep whenever you want."

"True... but only if you stay here too..."  
Robbe didn't know whether to jump for joy or be terrified.  
Were they supposed to talk about that sort of kiss? Was he supposed to play it cool?  
What was he supposed to do?  
"Aaaaaahhh to hell with it!"  
"Sander?"  
"I have to pee. If I think about it I can't hold it in. Coming."

Robbe smiles. When he left in there, there wouldn't be a sense of emptiness. There would be a huge crater. An annoying echo.  
But if they wanted more, the understand what they wanted to be to each other, he would have to be strong enough to endure it. 

Sander and Robbe finally get ready.  
They're about to head downstairs, wanting to walk and have breakfast at the café.  
They're standing at the door, hungry as they talk about croissants and the first one they were going to eat once they got there.

“We'll see what we can find, but if we don't get moving we won't find anything else to eat.”  
Saying so he leaves another lip-smacking kiss for Robbe, who whirls beside Sander to the bar. 

"Tomorrow is the big day!"  
"Tomorrow everybody at the sea!!!!"  
It had been 4 days since Robbe had finally gone back to doing what he loved to do most in the park: in front of others Sander's kisses him on his head but in the evening and morning those brushes of lips had continued. Every day. Morning and evening, like a wonderful, gentle spell.

"Sander!"  
"Hey there Noor."  
"Look...we've never talked about this but...I'm sorry too okay? Believe me, I'm not doing this out of jealousy or envy or anything...it just comes naturally to us..."  
"Noor quiet. I get it. I didn't mean to intrude..."  
"Hey. No. You didn't intrude on anything. Robbe's happy with you. Although I haven't figured out exactly what the hell you two are."  
"Nothing official right now..."  
"Why?"  
"Noor don't get me wrong.... Robbe is the best gift life could have given me, but...I'm coming out of a relationship where I was a wagging dog blind to a lot of things. If I'm going to start something with Robbe I want it to be because we're both secure and we both know how to stand on our own two feet..."  
"Here's the apartment mess...."  
"Exactly. After that mess we are Learning to talk, to tell each other a lot of things... I'm trying to take things slow in short..."

Noor jumps off the little wall, "You are deeply in love my friends."  
"Yeah... maybe at the sea things could evolve... maybe."  
"Oh God Sander, are you going to...."  
"Nooooo I wasn't talking about sex, no!  
I'd like to make what we have a little more official, at least with you....  
And with Robbe of course..."  
"I'm in for whatever devilry you come up with Driesen!"

"What are you two talking about?"  
Robbe was sweating. He was quickly regaining his strength, but was struggling even more than usual

"But Honey about you of course!"  
And with a kiss on the lips Noor walks away.  
"Sander sorry..."  
"No Robbe it's fine we've cleared it up.  
You don't have to change for me remember?"

"Yes but..."  
Robbe would have liked to tell him that now it was only his lips that had free access to him but Sander was so close that the thoughts melted away completely in his mind.

Sander grabbed a handkerchief and wiped his forehead.  
"Guys I'm taking Robbe home before he gets sick and ruins everyone's vacation!"  
"Hey!"  
Robbe replies laughing

The evening passes quietly. The guys have already packed their backpacks for the next day:  
"Good night Sander, I can’t way it's tomorrow! I’m sure, we'll have fun."  
Sander does not answer, but put himself over Robbe's body.  
Both feel a force drawing them towards each other, inevitably. The breaths and beats speed up....  
Sander approaches. Robbe convinces himself that it will simply be the usual goodnight kiss.  
Instead, Sander's tongue slides over Robbe's warm lips, then kisses them lightly.  
Robbe doesn't want to forget that feeling. Never again.  
When he opens his eyes again, Sander stares at him and smiles.  
"Yes, we'll have fun at the sea Ijzermans."

Robbe brings his hand to his mouth. The  
Sander's taste. The taste of an angel.  
"Now come over here and let's sleep."  
And without letting him say it again, he snuggles as he does every night into his arms.


	9. First day at the sea

"Sander come on or we'll be late!"  
"Have you ever seen the sea run away?"  
"Come on...the others are almost there already.... “  
"The others left two minutes ago!!!"  
"In fact hurry up!"

Robbe takes him by the hand. Then he realizes he's holding Sander's hand. Then he looks at Sander who doesn't seem to mind.  
Robbe gets braver and intertwines his fingers with the blond's.

"That place has a lot of memories.... If you're nice to me I'll tell you about them!"  
"Hey! Have I ever been rude?"  
"You know...they say the sea air stirs."  
"You've gone mad."  
"For you" thinks Robbe but thank goodness he can keep his mouth shut.

"So we're all here then?"  
Jens takes control of the situation  
"There are double rooms,   
So: Jana do you want to stay with me baby?"  
"As Always Jens..."  
"Disgusting..."  
"Moyo don't growl, you'll stay with Veerle, Jana's friend. Behave yourself."

"Since when do you decide the seats?"  
Jens brings his mouth to his friend's ear.   
"Since I'm trying to find you a girl who could stand you."

"Let's continue: clearly Aaron and Amber together.... The others we know... Noor you..."  
At that point Robbe interjects:  
"Noor will stay with Britt. I'm convalescing and will stay with Sander, so he can help me in case..."  
"Okay. Let's go in, get settled in, and in half an hour everyone will be ready for our first dip in the sea!!!”

Sander and Robbe take the room: Robbe looks out the window, glad that he can see the sea from there.   
"Hey, put your things lazyboy ."  
"Coming Sander! What are you doing?"

Sander was putting the two beds together.   
"Well I'm recreating the situation at your place...don't you want to?"  
"No... Well of course I do..."  
"And what would you like to do next?"  
Sander steps closer. His breath smells of the mint candy he loves so much.

Robbe doesn't want to be afraid. Not of Sander. Not of what he feels when he's with him.   
He brings his fingers to Sander's lips. They're warm and soft and he's about to slide them over the gorgeous blond's neck when they hear a knock at the door.

"Noor?"  
Noor comes in like a rage. She's flustered and can't sit still.

"I'm nervous. Fuck. For the first time in my life, I'm nervous. The room already smells like her hair. I....I can’t...”  
It's Sander who takes control this time: he puts his hands on her shoulders and looks her straight in the eyes.  
"You now go to her and ask her if she would like to go shopping for the whole group.Trust Sander, this will relax the situation and you will find your way to communicate."  
"Sure?"  
"Like my undying love for David Bowie."

"Okay. Okay. I'll go. Robbe, hi  
Sander, hi  
Have I ever told you that I love you?"

"Go!"

Sander gets ready and says:  
"You were right."  
"About what?"  
"Noor can't help but love."  
"Yes."

But Robbe does not think about  
Noor, he knows she'll do just fine: he's still thinking about what was going on a few minutes earlier with Sander.He had three days to find out. And he had every intention of doing so.  
The afternoon had passed in a wonderful way: they were all happy, excited for those days of freedom, for how their group before formed by four guys looking for adventures and adrenaline, was growing so harmoniously thanks to exceptional people. 

"Wow! How I had missed the sea!"  
Robbe gets out of the water and shakes off the water.  
"So you're also a surfer as well as a skater boy."  
"I'm a living cliché my dear."  
Sander lying on the sand sunbathing looks at him intently.  
He looked at Robbe and begins to really see him: he wasn't as fragile as he had seemed in the early days: Robbe was tenacious, he was sensitive sure, but his only real insecurity he had resolved in a very short time: among them at the end the one who didn't feel whole yet was him.  
But what if he needed Robbe to be complete one hundred percent?  
He'd been thinking about this for a while, ever since they'd had those two discussions.   
He wanted an apartment, but he wanted it with Robbe...in short, he wanted it to be with him.   
He wanted to grow up with him around. He was determined to make their relationship something more stable. He had to start there. 

Noor and Britt return smiling with groceries  
for the next few days.

Robbe takes her by the waist and asks, "so?"  
"So your Sander had right I think...I think there is hope. What about you? What are you doing hugging me and not him?"  
Sander was actually on his way to wash up, and lost in thought, he didn't even notice the scene.  
"We don't..."  
"Robbe, come on, I felt the electricity in that room. Don't go any further if you're not sure but please, let your heart speak and stop thinking for once."  
"I really do it Noor."  
"I'm going now...good luck!"  
"It's going to be a special night for many..."  
Noor still didn't know how right she was

Robbe enters the room: Sander has just finished showering: he has his towel tied around his waist and is lying on the bed looking for coolness.  
"It’s my tutn!"  
In the shower, Robbe thinks about Noor's words and Sander; he thinks about his lips and how perfect he finds his body. Perfect for him.   
He goes out and finds the same scene again: then he lies down next to Sander who has his eyes closed.  
Robbe gets up on his elbows, looks at him and does the most natural thing: he runs his hand over Sander's chest.  
Sander smiles and keeps his eyes closed; Robbe begins to get familiar with his  
his skin and begins to play in the  
folds of his muscles  
"If you keep this up Robbe..."  
Robbe doesn't feel like talking. He rests his lips on Sander's and they begin to kiss. For real. Opening their mouths and allowing their tongues to caress each other's insides. 

They pull away to look at each other: Sander rubs the tip of his nose on Robbe's, then whispers to him, "just wait a minute."  
Sander gets up, pulls back the curtains, and locks the door. He then turns on the music that wafts through the room and makes everything a little more magical

"I love your friends, but right now I'd like to have you to myself a little bit."  
"I'm right here..."  
"Are you scared Robbe?"  
The curly boy nods his head no.  
"A little birdie with bangs told me I should stop thinking and enjoy the  
vacation as much as possible... and I  
really want to... especially with you.  
Robbe's fingers reach for Sander's towel and he unties it from his hips: he sits on it, throwing his own towel on the floor as well.  
They touch, look at each other and kiss: god how much they kiss.   
"Sander... “  
the boy is stroking the neck of  
Robbe's neck with his tongue.

"We are in no hurry Robbe. One step at a time...   
"No Sander you don't understand..."  
"I don't?" The smile gets smarter  
"I should say not....don't you think we've been far too careful? I want you Driesen. Right now. Guide me to heaven."

Sander approaches ready to lead Robbe beyond the clouds.  
"I ask for no better."

In the most classic love stories  
their first time would happen by the sea, with the sound of the  
waves. But this was real life   
They were two guys in love who just needed to be there together and have the same desires and the same feelings, the rest was just useless tinsel.   
For them the most romantic thing was to listen the breath of the other on their skin; it was the touch of their lips;  
it was hearing their name whispered by each other. Romance was the two of them together. 

They lay back down next to each other. Sweaty and breathing heavily.  
Sander turned off the music he had put on  
also to cover their intentions and actions as much as possible from the ears of the others   
"How are you?"  
Sander asks caressing his cheek.  
"Wonderful, if my legs weren't shaking."  
"It'll pass in a few minutes."  
"Really?"  
Sander nods  
"Thank you."  
"For what Sander? About...this?"  
"Even... it was beautiful. You and I...other than heaven! I actually wanted to thank you for... being you, for taking me in and listening to me, for everything in short."  
"Thank you. You don't know how good you make me feel. I feel...happy!"  
"So...Robbe...now we....  
Now we're together?"  
"You want me to be your boyfriend. Of course, I've felt like your boyfriend for a while now..."  
Robbe kisses him again: those lips were dope.  
"Quick shower and then we'll go to the others, what do you say Sander?"  
"Come on, I'll help you wash up..."  
"Sander you don't want to..."  
"I'll give you a recovery period..."

They go out and sit on the benches while Moyo and Britt are about to finish making dinner.   
"She's also a cook you know? I love her."  
"Noor" Robbe laughed in delight.

Robbe's phone is ringing just as dinner was being served on the table.  
"It's my mom, I'll be right back" but before he can get up already with the phone to his ears, he leans over Sander and kisses him. 

"Awwwww.. then you two?"

"Sander tell!!!"  
"Not without Robbe to defend me from your curious attacks!"  
"Leave him alone!"  
"Then you tell Robbe!"  
"Fine, fine, but only after dinner! Enjoy your meal!

"Would you like to go for a walk?  
"Yes sure...."  
Sander takes his hand and leads him towards the sea. They sit on the sand a few feet from the others singing around a bonfire.  
"You've been quiet these last few hours, is something wrong?"  
"No...yeah, I mean no...okay. Breathe Sander. They texted me if I could see an apartment when I got back.... “  
"oh"  
"Yeah"  
"It's all more real now, aren't you happy? What makes you so brooding?"  
"I... will you come with me to see it?"  
Robbe punches him on the shoulder  
"And you've been on edge about this? Of course I'll come, I'm your boyfriend!"  
"Wait, there's one more thing."  
"Oh God Sander please talk!"  
"Would you...like to stay at my place...if the  
place is ok...I don't know maybe weekends.... “  
Robbe takes his hands and makes him stand up.   
"Come on."  
"Where are we going?"  
"Sander come with me...run!"

When they enter the room, Robbe closes the door and throws him on the bed.  
"Now I finally see you. What's with all the sudden concern?"

"Well, we just got together and now this apartment thing ... I had some anxiety ..."

"Sander. I would move in with you right away.   
But I know our story can't start off with a bang or we'd risk burning it down.  
My dear you won't get rid of me.   
I'm a stupid, stubborn kid remember?"

"And you're mine."  
"And you're mine."  
Sander takes her bottom in his hands

"Do you want to go to the others?"  
"No. I want to make love to you. Again."  
"Then close the door and take off those clothes Ijzermans "

"Only if you do too Driesen."  
"Consider it already done."


	10. The cave

"Daddy? Daddy!"  
That was always Robbe's recurring dream. 

"Robbe Honey, Robbe!"  
Sander could see Robbe fidgeting in bed, starting to sweat and cry silently.  
Robbe get up quickly, sitting on the bed and brought his hands to his face: he remembered his mother's words, when the nightmares were recurring:  
"Let what hurts you come out of you: cry, scream, but don't keep things inside."

Robbe cries with sobs   
"Throw out baby, whatever it is."  
Sander whispers in his ear.

When Robbe stop crying, he looks at his angel:

"I'm sorry..."  
"About what?"  
Robbe smiles.  
"Sander, what time is it?"  
"6:30 a.m."  
"Would you go somewhere with me?  
I promised to tell you stories about this place..."  
Sander strokes his tear-soaked face.  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yes. You must know why all this."  
They get ready and go out in the silence that is only human, because the sea, you know, always has something to tell you.

As they stroll along, Robbe tells little anecdotes from his childhood.   
Until... there it is. Unchanged.   
Robbe takes Sander's hand and squeezes it tightly, and Sander realizes that the place holds one of the knots of his boy's life.

"Do you see this cave? Jens and I played there for years when our families would come here on weekends. But that day... Robbe swallows soundly.  
That day my father asked me to play hide-and-seek with Jens and him. Jens was to look for us. My father recommended me the cave as a hiding place.  
But Jens didn’t want to play and... He stayed all the afternoon with his parents.  
I stayed here for an infinite amount of time.  
The sky turned dark.   
No noise but that of the sea.  
I started calling my father. I cried and shouted his name.  
When Dad arrived, I hugged him in terror.   
After we stayed hugging for a long time, Dad said to me:  
"You have to learn to be alone Robbe. people leaving. And you have to learn to be on your own."  
His words stuck in my head for a long time.  
Until that day when at home, with my mother working the night shift, I was alone. Completely alone.  
Dad wasn't there and he wasn't coming back."

Sander cries. He senses the wave of grief that is sweeping over Robbe, his Robbe.  
He hugs him from behind, trying to get all the love he feels for him through.

"I could never get over it. Ever. The idea of abandonment kills me."

Robbe turns to Sander: 

"Sander... whatever happens between us, fights, screaming, throwing plates...I'll get through it; I'll get through it, I don't know how but I'll get through it even if you tell me it's over....   
But please, don't run away. Don't abandon me..."

Robbe's voice breaks again, and again Sander holds him in his arms 

"Robbe shall we go in?"  
"No, I can't make it..."  
"Trust me...Will you?"

Sander holds his hand and they enter the cave: it is small, shallow, but terrifying for a child.  
Sander sits Robbe on his lap and with his fingers lifts his chin:   
"Robbe. You... You brought me back to life. To a life without fear.   
Knowing that you did it despite what  
you have inside...  
To the terror you carry inside every day.... “

Sander pauses. He needs to catch his breath:  
"I want to give you new memories Robbe. I want to defeat the darkness of this cave and I want to do it by simply telling you the truth.   
I love you Robbe.  
I know from when you picked up that paper for me, from your run to bring it back, and from your smile.  
I know it from when you gently let me into your home, when you walked me to Lucas.   
I loved you when you got angry.   
My heart melted watching you and your face after the first stolen kiss I gave you.  
So Robbe you can rest assured that I'm not moving from here. I'll be  
always by your side. In as many ways as you deem necessary."  
Robbe was speechless.   
It was as if Sander was a wave capable of sweeping away the ugliness of the world.   
"You... mysterious boy from the park.   
You...only you Sander. Only you... I love you so much..."

Robbe and Sander kiss.  
Their union creates warmth and light in that seemingly cold and dark cave.  
Robbe will still be dreaming, but he no longer cares because Sander will be with him. 

So, after kisses that continue until his lips begin to lose feeling, Robbe calmly begins to undress him.   
For his part, Sander just wants to make Robbe happy. That's his mission on this earth.   
As Robbe undresses them both Sander lets out a question with an obvious answer and with a sly smile asks:  
"What are you going to do?"

But again Robbe surprises him with his answer:  
"Make our first memory in the cave...a memorable one."


	11. The apartment

"Thank you Robbe...for sharing so much with me..."  
The boys are heading over to the others for breakfast.   
Robbe is still a little shaken up from the nightmare he had, but he also feels so good for sharing it with Sander  
In fact, he doesn't say anything. He prefers to huddle against his boyfriend while walking in silence. 

This time it's Jens and Robbe's turn to prepare something for the group.  
While they're tending to their breakfast, Robbe breaks the silence.   
"I've been to the cave."  
"With Sander right?"  
"Yes Jens don't worry...early this morning I had the usual nightmare again. Sander saw. And I told him everything..."  
"Everything?"  
"No...still not quite everything...I.... “

Jens puts a hand on his shoulder:  
"Robbe, don't be afraid. I don't think anything will change do you?"  
"You think?"  
"If he changes then he's not the person we think he is."

How was he going to tell Sander that before he left his father had done that thing? How would he react?  
He still deserved the truth, though. Robbe knew that.  
The problem, and he knew it well, wasn't Sander's reaction; the problem was that it was still an open chapter for him, too.  
A bleeding wound. That's why the nightmares wouldn't go away.

It had started raining around three o'clock that afternoon: a summer storm that had forced the guys to stay in their rooms.   
Robbe and Sander had decided to relax on the bed, and while Robbe listened to some music with his eyes closed, Sander had started drawing . 

"What are you doing?"  
"I'm drawing you."  
"Drawing me?"  
"Yeah sure...I thought at least I'll always have you with me in the new apartment....  
Too corny, ijzermans?"  
"Perfectly corny Driesen."

Robbe plays nervously with the sheet.  
"There's a small but crucial chapter missing from my story.  
You won't like it. I don't like it either...but if we're going to make this work..."  
Sander pulls his gaze away from the  
Sheet to rest it on the curly-haired man   
"Robbe there's time..."

"No, I have to complete the story or I explode."  
"Do you want me to keep drawing while I listen to you?"  
"Sure...it would help me to see you relaxed....  
So. My father left 8  
Years ago when I was 10.  
The month before I had told him I liked a buddy of mine. Mike was his name. He was nice and kind and had beautiful eyes.  
I thought he took it as something, I don't know about tender? I thought he didn't really care, in the sense that he could give it importance but without putting too much anxiety on himself.  
For my part I was experiencing it in a peaceful way, but that night....   
Before he left I..."  
The voice struggles to come out  
"Robbe..."

He struggles. Since that day he wants to not think about it so much. It would remain one memory among many. Maybe by telling Sander, the person for whom he felt that feeling so beautiful and free and simple and important would stop having that nightmare.  
With what little oxygen he could store, he continued:  
"He hit me. Slaps, just slaps.  
He said I had to wake up, find a little girl and be with her.  
He had grabbed the broom handle and said things to me like, do you want stuff like that in your butt? Are you sure? Do you want to try it?   
When I started sobbing he sort of woke up and apologized. He gave me a kiss on the head. And then ... you know the rest."

The last words come out as a whisper;   
Robbe hears the sound of the pencil breaking.   
Sander stands up and runs to the door, throwing it wide open. The downpour wasn't over yet:  
"You said you wouldn't leave me..."  
Robbe can't tell if he's thinking it or if he actually said it because not a sound seems to come out of his mouth.  
Sander remains on his back and shouts. He shouts loudly   
"Enough!!!! Enough is enough!!!!" He slumps to the ground and cries in despair. As if someone had torn off a limb;  
Then he slowly closes the door and runs to Robbe: he takes him in his arms and intertwines his graphite-stained fingers with Robbe's. His lips brush against his.  
Their lips brush.  
"No one. Lucas, your father, no one will ever hurt us again okay my baby?  
You don't deserve it and from now on, only good things."  
"You're enough for me. I got scared earlier, I really thought you were leaving and that I...that my father was right."

Sander squeezes him. Maybe it's even hurting him but Robbe accepts that squeeze, that silent message that means everything he needs.

"You are my favorite work of art in the world...I'm sorry if you got scared but before I hugged you I had to stop feeling the hatred of your father invade me.

"I'm sorry."  
"Don't be sorry Robbe. Ever. Not for the one who made your life hell by using verbal and physical violence and then running away like a rabbit.   
How do you say and do such things to a child?How?"  
"Sander... you too have experienced violence more than me...don't belittle what happened to you."  
"Shall we stay hugging for a while?”

"Hey Sander..."  
Robbe whispers in his ear.   
"Have you seen Noor and Britt?"  
Noor and Britt were holding hands with a shy but really happy smile.   
"I'm very happy for them."  
"Sander... stop thinking please...you're worrying me"  
Sander catches Robbe off guard and puts him on his lap Robbe wraps his arms around his neck.  
"No more bad thoughts Robbe.  
I was just thinking that next year you'll be at university..."  
"Faculty of psychology. And without doing it  
It's five minutes from the Academy."  
"Exactly."  
"What do you have in mind Driesen?"  
"I plan to spend a lot  
of time with you Ijzermans. I have big plans in store for the two of us. Now let's sing with Jens or he'll throw his guitar at us."

Their last night for the time being there.

When they get home Sander doesn't bring Robbe home:  
"I asked the realtor if we could see the apartment today...do you mind?"  
"Come on Sander I can't wait."

It was perfect.  
Close to Robbe's house, with big windows so he could paint and take pictures, a basic kitchen and a big couch in the bright open plan living area.  
It would also have a small garden and two bedrooms with a shared bathroom.   
"It's perfect."  
"Yes, Robbe, it is."  
"Sign."  
"Yes."  
"I'll go to the garden you talk to the guy..."  
"Aren't you staying?"  
Robbe smiles  
"Take your time with your apartment honey.."  
"Thanks."

When they get back in the car Sander takes the papers and puts them in his backpack  
"Did you see how close we are to your place? Unbelievable."

Sander takes the cards with him along with his backpack and holding hands with  
Robbe.

His mother is at home waiting for them.   
She sees the understanding and understands without them saying anything.  
She begins.  
"So you guys are really together now, huh? I was wondering how long it would take you two..."  
The two of them smile and touch their foreheads.

They eat, telling about the sea, omitting for the moment the story that her mother already knew all too well.

They sit on the couch and drink coffee, and Sander, after disappearing for a few minutes, returns from the bedroom with the papers from the apartment.  
Robbe thinks he wants to tell his mother about his new adventure. 

"We went to look at the apartment and it's . perfect. Really perfect."  
Sander takes the papers and clutches them.  
"Last months brought so much love into my life, so much. Robbe talked to me about his past. He opened closed doors of his life as I had done, and the whole tale made me angry and saddened, but it also made me realize that no one else should ever hurt your son again.   
I will protect him, we will protect each other.  
It's so early but I...I'm not meant to go slow in things by now I get it and...."  
He turns to Robbe.  
I'm sorry I didn't stop you when you went out into the garden but that also allowed me to do something right away that I would have done in the next few days....  
He offers him the cards.  
"My name is on it too...why?"  
"Because I'd like it to be our apartment. Not just mine..."  
Robbe puts his hands over his mouth, his mother does the same.   
"You can wait to give me an answer, I've already given the deposit so I can move in within a couple of days." 

Robbe looks at Sander and his mother  
"I want to..."  
His mother squeezes his hand:  
"Be happy Robbe that's what I want most in the world".

"I want to sign for our apartment....  
I want to live with you of course I fucking do!"

Sander takes his hands:  
"Robbe I know I've told you over and over again to take it slow but....  
I can't.  
I was looking at that apartment and all I could think about was what it would be like to live there...with you.   
I'm sorry for messing up your life."

"You are... Sander, how little do you realize how you've managed to change me right?   
I love you and I love my life next to you; I'm sure it will be difficult at times we will do and  
say stupid things but do you know what's important to me?"

"Yes now I do for sure"  
"Say it baby"

"Being there"  
"That's right."

This was going to be a special night...


	12. The end♥️

They stand hand in hand in front of the front door.  
Sander looks at him with a mixture of love and pride.   
Robbe's eyes sparkle and his mouth is half open. Robbe's fingers in Sander's hand couldn't sit still.  
"Our home... Sander our home...."  
"Yes honey...shall we go inside?"  
It was evening. But the house gave off a blinding light for Robbe.   
He turns around as if it's the first time he's ever been inside.  
"Will I ever get used to this feeling?"  
Sander walks over, strokes his face with the back of his hand, and kisses him. Deeply. Like it's the first time.   
"Will you ever get used to this?"  
He tells him through his lips.  
"No. Every kiss is like the first and will be forever..."  
"Then the same will apply to our house."

Sander walks him over and they sit down on the couch.   
"Pizza tonight?"  
"Tonight...but first...bathroom?"  
Robbe had become so sure of how he felt and wanted that if it wasn't impossible he would make Sander fall even more in love.

"Robbe..."  
"Come on Sander... come."

Robbe takes his boyfriend by the hand and leads him to the bathroom.  
He turns on the water, puts in the bubble bath, and undresses while continuing to tell Sander, "wait."

He walks over, and undresses him slowly, leaving very light kisses on his skin   
"I want to take care of you...can I?"  
"You're the one who deserves all the care ..."  
"No. Sander. Let me do it then I'll explain."  
He lets Sander in and he sits on top of him with his back to him. 

"Give me your hands Sander...."  
and intertwines their fingers with his....  
"You are my home Sander. You make all of this so so beautiful. You really do. I'd like to ask a favor of you and I know this is something very difficult for you but.... Can we start over?"

"Robbe I don't understand..."

"I would like to think only of the present and the future and stop looking at the past. At what happened before all this.   
I know the past is part of me, part of us...but we deserve to stop worrying about the past.  
Lucas, my father, the violence we suffered...I wish this was the last time these names ruined our existences."

He knew. He knew Robbe wasn't a stupid kid. He always knew that. He always knew that Robbe would be her pillar. That his heart was so big and his thoughts so adult.  
Robbe had managed to break several curses and at the same time create wonderful new scenarios for both of them.

"Robbe.... kiss me."

A warm vanilla-flavored kiss, exactly like the water in the tub.  
A calm kiss full of great hope.

"I promise I'll try, I'll try starting here. With you. Always.  
Can I make love to my boyfriend now?"

Robbe turns with a sly smile: that's what I'm here for, too.."

The next morning, Robbe opens his eyes, and Sander is beside him looking at him.... "hey"  
"Good morning to you sleepyhead”  
"I didn't want to go make breakfast and leave you here alone on our first morning as boyfriends living together..."  
In response Robbe kisses him: the taste of Sander's kisses is something he loves immensely   
"Mint..."  
"Candies was the first thing I brought into the room."

They laugh heartily before getting up and eating breakfast.  
That day would be full of things to do:   
Their friends would come over to help them set up their apartment, and especially Sander's friends would go with him to study how to place things in his studio.  
Noor and Britt would definitely give a gypsy touch to the house, Jens would bring old boards to hang; Aron and Moyo would bring their girls and think about preparing food....   
Robbe's mother would finish giving him the accomulated household linen for when the time came.

Robbe leans against the doorframe, a gesture he has always made, but this time his eyes and heart overflow with happiness: everything seemed to be in the right place, every wish granted and every project ready to be achieved.

Sander wraps his hips  
"What are you thinking about?"  
"About how beautiful life is...look what love has done."  
Sander kisses him and knows he will do so for a long time: they will change houses, wrinkles will come, but Sander and Robbe will continue to kiss and love each other as they did on the first day.


End file.
